advice

I often like to think that I'll leave this place one day. But then I think of not being able to see her and I lose all motivation. She may look through me, but I live through her. I have so many needs in my life, and at the end of the day, all I need is to be needed. And though I may not believe it at times, I am needed here. If she were to call me at 4 in the morning and asked me to take her across the country for whatever reason, I would go without hesitation. I would do anything she asked of me, with one exception. I would not leave her. I will never leave her. If she grew to hate me and demanded I never speak to her again, I would comply. But I would not leave.

I visited her again today after work. She made hot tea while I played with Bay, and we talked about her boy troubles. Mr. Coffee Shop is still not showing any interest. She's beside herself. She cried for a little while, so I held her on the couch while she did so. After she finished, she perked up a little. She decided she wanted to ask me about my life. She asked me if I had any "lady friends." I told her that there's a girl I think I'm in love with. Her eyes got wide and she grinned. She was happy.

Genuinely fucking happy.

And I swear to God I heard my heart break when I saw her smile. She laughed and asked me who the lucky lady was. I looked her straight in the eyes and said, remorsefully, that it doesn't matter because I am only a friend to the girl. Her smile faded and she put a hand on my shoulder. She told me the most hypocritical thing she's ever said:

"Babe, if this girl doesn't like you as more than a friend, she doesn't deserve your love. You are so special, and she's blind not to see what an amazing person you are."

She asked me why I've never mentioned this "girl" before. I told her it wasn't important. She has so many problems, why would I burden her with my own? She thinks that, since I don't talk about it, I'm coping with it, and she's glad for that. She doesn't understand.

Just because I try not to talk about it, does not mean that I'm over it, that I feel better, or that I'm ever going to be okay. Sometimes, when I say "I'm okay," I want her to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say "I know you're not." But she won't. I'm too good at lying.

It's funny how when someone loves you, you can't really feel it. But when they don't, you can feel every ounce of life drain out of your entire being. Then again, perhaps that isn't so funny.

I am slowly wasting my life away, Journal. Some days, I often forget to eat. I lay in bed and I read, or I watch tv. I go to work so I can keep my small 1 bedroom apartment. At the end of the day, I sleep. Sometime in between it all, I visit her, and occasionally my other friends, though I'm normally drunk for them. She has become my life now, and I am not sure how to act anymore.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it. It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life, and you give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss your cheek or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. If gets inside you. It eats you from the inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness. It makes it so a simple phrase like "I wouldn't ruin our friendship for anything" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

My advice to you, Journal is this: Don't think. Just don't fucking think. Because when you think you realize just how fucked up everything really is, you realize you don't know how you got where you are, you don't know where you are going, and you don't know what to do anymore.