cry

Well, it finally happened. I kissed her last night. Granted, we were drunk. She, for the first time, actually, so she was plastered. But I did it. I couldn't have been more happy. I just saw my chance and I took it, and she didn't mind at all. She kissed me back, and we cuddled on the couch for the rest of the night until I went home. Her blue eyes were focused on me the whole night. It was amazing. I called her this morning and asked if she remembered anything.

And of course, she didn't.

I almost laughed out loud at the irony of it. Of COURSE she didn't remember anything. After 2 years, I finally kiss the woman and she doesn't remember a damn thing. But, politely, I dropped the subject. Why bring it up now? Alcohol is the perfect redo button, after all.

Honestly, I'm glad she doesn't remember. That way, I don't have to bring it up. It would just be one giant mess that neither of us would know how to clean up. When She told me she didn't remember last night, I kind of paused for a minute, deciding on how to react. She noticed. She asked me if I was okay. I told her I was fine.

Everybody is always so fucking "fine." But we're not. Sometimes, we are hurt and bruised and nearly completely shattered. And this, sir, is not what one called "fine."

But we say it anyway. Why? Because it's all we know how to do. It's basically human nature, at this point. There are some people who go through life headfirst, all balls. Never missing a chance to take what they want and go for it. Then there are people like me, who hate change. I don't go through life. I've merely adapted to it. I work at my minimum wage job, I sleep, and I sit on my computer, talking to a stupid journal (no offense). That's all. I don't do anything else. I've never done anything else.

She told me once I needed to go back to school, and get a degree in something. I asked her what I needed to get a degree in. She said she didn't know, anything would be better than wasting my life away. I told her I'm not wasting my life away, that I'm exactly where I wanted to be. She told me I should be a psychiatrist. I told her it would be impossible, I don't have the grades for it. She said, excitedly, nothing is impossible!

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

Either way, going back to school would mean moving away from her. And she has no desire to move anywhere else. She sees nothing wrong with our little Podunk town. I never liked this city until I knew she was a part of it. Now, I never want to leave.

I've decided that I'm going to toss a coin. Heads, I tell her, Tails, I don't. Both ways have their major downfalls. If it's heads, I have to tell her I love her. That's not only terrifying by itself, but what if she doesn't feel the same way? Would she just laugh it off and humiliate me? Or would she call off our friendship and ruin my life? If it's Tails, I don't tell her anything. Nothing will change, and I will keep on living in this miserable secret. That's all.

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works, not because it settles the question for you, but because, in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

Here it goes.

...

...It's tails.

I feel like crying. This is ridiculous. I'm going to tell you something, Journal. You want to cry? I think about her. I remember the promises we made together, the seemingly endless stream of cliches we spilled to each other, the secrets we shared and the moments we kept. I think about how I stare into her eyes. They're beautiful. You want to cry? I remember when it went wrong. How my dreams shattered and my heart broke, and every day I see her and I realize she's not mine. I can stare at all the little things she's given me, but I know it'll never be enough. I miss her, and I never had her. I want to talk to her, but I can't go through the pain of it. You want to cry?

Then fall in love.